Brave Not Perfect

I was late to work because of this book. And I wasn't even reading it yet.

A couple of weeks ago, I had just dropped off my kids and was driving to work. That 25 minutes or so usually sets the tone for my whole day. If I need to get fired up, I hook up my Apple Music and jam - loudly. If things are feeling even-keeled, I'll turn on NPR and zone a little. That's what I was doing when Reshma Saujani burst into my life.

She did it politely, of course. She was a guest on On Point Radio and I heard her talking about how women are taught as girls to strive for perfection - and, how that effort leads us to take fewer risks than men. That fact often leaves women underpaid, overly stressed and unable to find joy in what we're doing. It gets us stuck.

I was so intrigued by what she said, I pulled into the nearest parking lot to pre-order her book, which happened to come out the next day. (That took 10 seconds on Amazon, but the parking lot happened to be a Starbucks and I thought it was a sign I needed to get coffee. So, I guess it wasn't exactly the book's fault I was late.)

Her topic spoke so clearly to me, I couldn't wait to get the book and dive in. And, when I did, I found myself nodding throughout.

Apparently, I could have skipped the book and went right to her Ted Talk on the same subject, but I'm so glad I didn't. Reading the book over the course of the past week caused me to really think differently about the expectations I have for myself, the risks I take (and don't take) and how speaking up and taking risks may lead to people being uncomfortable - but maybe that's the exact reason I need to do more of it.

She begins the book with a dedication "to every 'perfect' girl and woman; you are braver than you know."

It doesn't always feel like it, though, does it?

I probably needed this book more in my 30's. At that time in my life, I cared so much about what people thought of me, what people thought I should do and if I was living my life in a way that would be without great risk or loss. What a wuss! Now, I feel so much more comfortable with the space I occupy. Still, this book spoke deeply to the part of me that still believes perfection is the ultimate goal. As someone who manages a staff of 30+ people who happen to be confident, hard-working and smart, I often question my role in speaking candidly of my expectations of them. Will they still like me? Will they roll their eyes? Will they talk about me at the bar after work?

I realize that yes, they will talk. And, that's okay.  But, I also believe that they'll respect having a boss that makes decisions and stands by them. And, someday - when they're bosses - they'll understand the risks I have to take every day in an effort to do the right thing by them and by our employer.

In the book, Saujani relates her own failures and the risks she's taken because of them. She took a very public loss in a run for Congress and turned it into a non-profit that is literally changing how women will operate in tech in future generations. She didn't know anything about running a non-profit or coding - and, started the non-profit Girls Who Code. She took a massive risk, right after a massive failure; through that, she broke through and grew in ways she never expected.

The book recounts stories of highly successful women who are scared to take risks and are often hiding unhappiness just below the well-manicured surface. Many women will relate to those stories, many will find solace. But, she does more than relay the stories and the science behind why women are this way. She also provides a toolkit for embracing that bravery, even if it's only one small step at a time.

She talks about we teach our sons to climb to the highest rung on the monkey bars, while constantly reminding our girls to "be careful." We teach little girls to be sweet and quiet, while we let boys explore their outer voice and get down in the mud (I have sons, I see this difference every day.) She talks about seeking out feedback - especially negative feedback - as the only true way to grow. About how men apply for jobs even if they only meet 60% of the qualifications, while women wait until they match 100%. And, what stroke the deepest chord with me, about being okay knowing that not everyone is going to get you.

Overall, I found this book to be enlightening and empowering. I believe it could have the greatest benefit for young women who are starting to stand in their own spotlight. It teaches us that being perfect is bullshit; being brave is the ultimate key to happiness and success.